I like writing. To me it is another mode of expression and another way to show creativity, share emotions and let out steam. I have missed writing and my last post was April 2017. Why? Because my life has been on a roller coaster and I felt I needed time and space to process the changes before writing or rather blogging about them.
When I last wrote. I was on the cusp of studying mindfulness. I took time out to rest, read and be more gentle on myself. I spent the time to learn more about myself , others and the world also in a gentler way. I have learnt to leave bad habits like venting and complaining behind and open up to gratitude. I had to learn patience. I stepped out of the rat race, the busy world we live in that tell us what to buy, what to think, what to do… There was so much guilt into what I thought I should do and even be. So almost two years later I feel I am in a completely different place and maybe I am a different person.
So what changed?
Well, losing my dad and my cousin and very recently my brother in law to cancer brought a lot of information, fear, and to be honest, I won’t go there again because it is not a nice place to be but it was part of the landscape. The hardest part of each period was to feel that I had to put my life on hold to a certain extent, to show empathy and support.
I retrained. In mental health awareness. In mindfulness. As a teacher. In safeguarding. In social enterprise… and breathe!!!
Yes all that.
I am a mum to a lovely little girl who is now 7 so that also takes time. The change of direction was very intense towards mindfulness and surprisingly this year has started to bring back a lot of creative work. Almost as I dropped trying, it came back. After being in the circuit of craft fairs and compliments not being a currency that I could use towards paying the bills, I put that on hold too. Actually taking a break is a good thing. Something we rarely do, but something we could do with having more of. Each time I got inspired, I used that energy towards my new classes of mindfulness. I kept on taking photographs and started drawing again after stopping for a long time. I can draw. I just don’t think I am good enough. Most of the time. So I took short classes online, some free, some cheap with a local group to my home. And then when it stopped, some with Tamara Laporte (www.willowing.org). Her style of drawing is very whimsical and I liked that because it came with less “real” rules and pressure of having to be life like. Slowly, my confidence started building, I delivered some sketch classes for a friend and started drawing from a place within I did not know was there. I can’t draw from what I have in my head and it usually takes a lot of research before doing so but this time it came simply and slowly. I will add a picture before I post this.
Now for the biggest change in my life. Here goes.
My husband announced last year he was a transgender in transition. He is becoming she. Processing that was b-i-g.
I was torn between being supportive (strong levels of empathy) and putting myself as a wife and partner on a shelf (that being on hold again) until I knew what that meant for me, us and our family unit. Trust me, it is not a process you can rush, neither airing concerns before you are ready online is to be taken lightly.
Now the dust has settled, there is more clarity about the fact I am not gay so changes are happening. Change has to happen but a lot is still fuzzy and undecided. It goes without saying that my mental health has suffered but the mindfulness training has proven to help tremendously so as I am developing a self-care package for myself, I thought it was time to reconnect, time to talk.
I have missed writing and I hope you will have enjoyed reading this. There will be musing moments, pearls of wisdom and creativity.
My angle has changed. I want to nurture people and to help them. I want them to know it is ok to be fragile and feel life is at times too complex and demanding. WE are all in this together. I can count great friends that have given lots of words of support and encouragement so this message is a big thank you to them because they helped me through the last year.
So time to say goodbye to this period of silence and say Hello World once again.